Jokes

[Hula]

Those are so funny! :rofl2:

[xtype]

That was funny. I'll tell my preacher.......X

[richson]

----Love this, hope you enjoy it too.

THE SILENT SERMON

A member of a certain church, who previously had been attending services regularly, stopped going. After a few weeks, the pastor decided to visit him.

It was a chilly evening.. The pastor found the man at home alone, sitting before a blazing fire. Guessing the reason for his pastor's visit, the man welcomed him, led him to a comfortable chair near the fireplace and waited.

The pastor made himself at home but said nothing. In the grave silence, he contemplated the dance of the flames around the burning logs. After some minutes, the pastor took the fire tongs, carefully picked up a brightly burning ember and placed it to one side of the hearth all alone then he sat back in his chair, still silent.

The host watched all this in quiet contemplation. As the one lone ember's flame flickered and diminished, there was a momentary glow and then its fire was no more. Soon it was cold and dead.

Not a word had been spoken since the initial greeting. The pastor glanced at his watch and realized it was time to leave. He slowly stood up, picked up the cold, dead ember and placed it back in the middle of the fire. Immediately it began to glow, once more with the light and warmth of the burning coals around it.

As the pastor reached the door to leave, his host said with a tear running down his cheek, 'Thank you so much for your visit and especially for the firey sermon. I will be back in church next week'.

We live in a world today, which tries to say too much with too little. Consequently, few listen. Sometimes the best sermons are the ones left unspoken.

The Lord is my Shepherd ----- that's a Relationship!

I shall not want ----- that's Supply!

He maketh me to lie down in green pastures ----that's Rest!

He leadeth me beside the still waters -----that's Refreshment!

He restoreth my soul ----- that's Healing!

He leadeth me in the paths of righteousness --that's Guidance!

For His name sake ----- that's Purpose!

Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death--that's Testing!

I will fear no evil ----- that's Protection!

For Thou art with me ----- that's Faithfulness!

Thy rod and Thy staff comfort me -----that's Discipline!

Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies----- -that's Hope!

Thou annointest my head with oil ----- that's Consecration!

My cup runneth over ----- that's Abundance!

Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life----that's Blessing!

And I will dwell in the house of the Lord -----that's Security !

Forever ----- that's Eternity!

Face it, God is crazy about you!

[richson]

Are Computers Masculine or Feminine?

A language teacher was explaining to her class that in French, nouns unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically designated as masculine or feminine. "House" in French, is feminine -"la maison," "Pencil" in French, is masculine "le crayon."

One (1) puzzled student asked, "What gender is computer?" The teacher did not know. The word was not in her French dictionary. So for fun she split the class into two groups appropriately enough, by gender. She then asked them to decide whether "computer" should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Both groups were required to give four (4) reasons for their recommendation.

The men's group decided that computer should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computer"), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later review.

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your pay check on accessories for it.

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine "le computer") because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on.

2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves.

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer you could have gotten a better model.

What do you think? :wacko3:

[richson]

HELLO??

A young business man named Jack had just started his own firm. He rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques. Sitting there, Jack saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear busy, Jack picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working. He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments. Finally, Jack hung up and asked the visitor, "Can I help you?" The man said, "Sure. I've come to install the phone!"... :lol:

[Alvin]

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was

really pissed.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the

driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke

up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box

gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought

the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Bob has been missing since Friday.

[Alvin]

is it michael jackson ?

little boy : mummy is god a girl or a boy?

mummy: why god is both girl and boy

little boy: mummy is god black or white?

mummy: why god is both black and white

little boy: mummy is god gay or strait?

mummy: why god is both gay and strait

little boy: mummy is god Michael Jackson?

[Alvin]

16 years later

One day there was a pregnant women who was about to go into labor with 3 children.

Her husband didn't want to be any part of this so he decided to leave her and took the car.

So she had to walk to the hospital all by herself. All of a sudden she came to a dark alley and of course she went through it and all of a sudden a man pops out and shoots her in the stomach.

When she got to the hospital she was ok and the babies were fine as well.

16 years later

16 years later the first child who was a girl came to the mother and said "mom mom guess what?"

"What?"

I pissed out a bullet.

So the mother told her what happened 16 years ago.

Then the second born child who was also a girl came to her mother and said "mom mom guess what I pissed out a bullet."

So the mom told her what happend 16 years ago.

Then the 3rd born child came in who was a boy said "mom mom guess what?"

The mom said "let me guess you pissed out a bullet."

"No i was jacking off and i shot the dog!"

[Alvin]

A blonde lady was driving along the highway when a blonde police officer pulled her over for speeding.

Officer: May i see your licence?

Lady: what does it look like?

Officer: its a rectangular thing with a photo of you on it.

The lady looks through her bag and pulls out her compact mirror and hands it to the officer.

The officer opens it up and says 'if you had told me you were a police officer I wouldn't have pulled you over.'

[Alvin]

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.

When asked to define "great" he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"

He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.

[Alvin]

Penguin

A man was walking along Hietzinger Hauptstrasse near Parkhotel

Schönbrunn when he found a penguin walking along the road.

So he picked it up and took it to the local police station.

He said to the policeman "I found this penguin on Hietzinger

Hauptstrasse, near Parkhotel Schönbrunn. What should I do with it?"

The policeman looked at the man and said "It's obvious what you should

do with it! Take the penguin to Schönbrunn Zoo.

The man said "Of course, I'll take it to the zoo" and he left the police

station with the penguin under his arm.

The next day the policeman was on duty in the city centre when he saw

the man walking along the street with the penguin by his side. The policeman stopped the man and said "I thought I told you to take the penguin to the zoo?"

The man replied "Yes, I took it to the zoo yesterday. Today I'm taking it to see the Opera House."

[Alvin]

God and the man

A man visits God and says "God, do you mind if I ask you a

few questions?" God says "No, ask me anything at all."

So the man says "God, you've been around for a very long time,

so, for you, how long is a thousand years?"

God replies "For me, a thousand years is only five minutes."

The man then says "That's interesting God. And, for you,

how much is a million dollars?"

God replies "For me, a million dollars is only five cents."

The man says "Really? Well then God, could you lend me

five cents please?"

God looks at the man, smiles, and says "Of course my son.

Just wait five minutes!"

[Alvin]

Genie joke

A woman is walking along a beach when she finds an old oil lamp.

She picks it up and rubs it, and out comes a genie.

The genie says to the woman, "Thank you for freeing me from the oil lamp.

I will grant you three wishes, but whatever you wish for, your horrible ex-husband will get twice as much. What is your first wish?"

The woman says, "I'd like a million dollars in my bank account, please!"

The genie says, "You now have a million dollars in your bank account,

and your ex-husband now has two million dollars. What is your second wish?"

The woman says, "I've always wanted a nice car. I'd like a brand new

Rolls-Royce, please!"

The genie says, "You now have a new Rolls-Royce in your garage

at home, and your ex-husband now has two new Rolls-Royces.

What is your third wish?"

The woman thought for a while and then said, "I'd like you to remove one

of my kidneys, please!"

[xtype]

WIFE VS. HUSBAND

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.

An earlier discussion had led to an argument and

neither of them wanted to concede their position.

As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,

the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"

"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."

,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,Another one,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

The Silent Treatment

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each

other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day,

he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper,

"Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it.

The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM

and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and

see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by

the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."

[richson]

The Lion asked the Wizard one time, "When does a slave become a king?"

"When You start acting like one! "

Otherwise You remain a slave all Your life. :mocking:

[⭐ topearn]

Very Handy........

A young man called Fergus wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart Ciara as they had not been together for very long and he wanted to surprise her.

After careful consideration, he decided that a pair of gloves

would strike the right note, not too romantic and not too personal.

Accompanied by his sister he went to the department store and bought a dainty pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself at the same time.

During the wrapping the shop assistant mixed up the two items and the sister got the gloves and Ciara got the panties.

Without checking the contents Daragh sealed the package (with akiss) and sent it to his sweetheart with the following note:

Dear Ciara,

I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening.

If it had not been for my sister I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wears short ones that are easier to remove.

These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair that she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled at all.

I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart even though they were a little tight on her.

She also told me that her pair helps to keep her ring clean and shiny, in fact she had not needed to wash it since she had begun wearing them.

I wish I were there to put them on you for the first time, as no doubt many other hands will touch them before I have a chance to see you again.

When you take them off remember to blow into them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing.

Just think how many times my lips will kiss them during the coming year.

I hope that you will wear them for me on Friday night."

All my love.

[⭐ topearn]

Two dwarfs go into a bar, where they pick up two prostitutes and take them to their separate hotel rooms.

The first dwarf, however, is unable to get an erection. His

depression is made worse by the fact that, from the next room, he hears his little friend shouting out cries of "Here I come again ... ONE, TWO, THREE...UUH!" all night long.

In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, "How did it go?"

The first mutters, "It was so embarrassing. I simply couldn't get a erection."

The second dwarf shook his head. "You think that's embarrassing?"....

"I couldn't even get on the bed!"

Don't drink beer

Scientists for Health Canada have suggested that men should take a look at their beer consumption, considering the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer.

The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women.

To test the theory, 100 men were fed six pints of beer each. It was then observed that 100% of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn't drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing and refused to apologize when wrong.

No further testing is planned.

[richson]

TRUISMS

MOSQUITO:

An insect that makes you like flies better.

RAISIN:

Grape with a sunburn.

SECRET:

Something you tell to one person at a time.

SKELETON:

A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.

TOOTHACHE:

The pain that drives you to extraction.

TOMORROW:

One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.

YAWN:

An honest opinion openly expressed.

WRINKLES:

Something other people have. You have character lines. :rofl:

[richson]

Some men in a pickup truck drove into a lumberyard. One of the men walked in the office and said, "We need some four-by-twos."

The clerk said, "You mean two-by-fours, don't you?"

The man said, "I'll go check," and went back to the truck. He returned in a minute and said, "Yeah, I meant two-by-fours."

"Alright. How long do you need them?"

The customer paused for a minute and said, "I'd better go check." After awhile, the customer returned to the office and said, "A long time. We're going to build a house."

[richson]

An elderly retired gentleman had had severe hearing problems for some time.

He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the man to hear better than he had ever heard before.

One month later, the elderly man went back again to the doctor. The doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."

The gentleman said, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!" :rofl2:

[richson]

MY JOBS

My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned, couldn't concentrate.

Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.

After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it, mainly because it was a so-so job.

Next I tried working in a muffler factory but that was too exhausting.

Then I tried to be a chef -- figured it would add a little spice to my life, but I just didn't have the thyme.

I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn't cut the mustard.

My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasn't noteworthy.

I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn't have any patience.

Next was a job in a shoe factory; I tried but I just didn't fit in.

I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income.

I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining.

So then I got a job in a workout center, but they said I wasn't fit for the job.

After many years of trying to find steady work I finally got a job as a historian until I realized there was no future in it.

My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit because it was always the same old grind.

[jhoneymore]

Sardar Ji came to clinic and waiting for call.A man was crying very loudly.

Sardar Ji: Why are you crying?

The man: I came here for a blood test.

Sardar Ji: So? Are you afraid?

The man: No.For the blood test,they cut my finger.

At this,the Sardar Ji started crying profusely.

The Man was astonished.

The Man: Why are you crying now?

Sardar Ji: I came here for a urine test !

[richson]

JOKES THAT CAN BE TOLD IN CHURCH

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, ‘Why is the bride dressed in white?”

The mother replied, ‘Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life.’

The child thought about this for a moment then said, ‘So why is the groom wearing black?’

~~~~~~~~~~~~

A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as she could, trying not to be late for Bible class. As she ran she prayed, ‘Dear Lord, please don’t let me be late! Dear Lord, please don’t let me be late!’

While she was running and praying, she tripped on a curb and fell, getting her clothes dirty and tearing her dress. She got up, brushed herself off, and started running again! As she ran she once again began to pray, ‘Dear Lord, please don’t let me be late…But please don’t shove me either!’

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, ‘My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50..’

The second boy says, ‘That’s nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100.’

The third boy says, ‘I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to collect all the money!’

~~~~~~~~~~~~

An elderly woman died last month. Having never married , she requested no male pallbearers. In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service, she wrote, ‘They wouldn’t take me out while I was alive, I don’t want them to take me out when I’m dead.’

~~~~~~~~~~~~

A police recruit was asked during the exam, ‘What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?’ He answered, ‘Call for backup.’

~~~~~~~~~~~~

A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem. A small child replied, ‘They couldn’t get a baby-sitter. ‘

~~~~~~~~~~~~ :rofl2:

[Nikolaeva]

A blonde tried to sell her old car. She was having a lot of problems selling it, because the car had almost 230,000 miles on it.

One day, she told her problem to a brunette she worked with at a salon. The brunette told her, "There is a possibility to make the car easier to sell, but it's not legal."

"That doesn't matter," replied the blonde, "if I only can sell the car."

"Okay," said the brunette. "Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you and he will 'fix it'. Then it should not be a problem to sell your car anymore."

The following weekend, the blonde made the trip to the mechanic.

About one month after that, the brunette asked the blonde, "Did you sell your car?" "No," replied the blonde, "Why should I? It only has 50,000 miles on it!"

[richson]

FLORIDA COURT SETS ATHEIST HOLY DAY

In Florida , an atheist created a case against Easter and Passover Holy days.

He hired an attorney to bring a discrimination case against Christians and Jews and observances of their holy days.

The argument was that it was unfair that atheists had no such recognized days.

The case was brought before a judge. After listening to the passionate presentation by the lawyer, the judge banged

his gavel declaring,"Case dismissed!"

The lawyer immediately stood objecting to the ruling saying, "Your honor, How can you possibly dismiss this case?

The Christians have Christmas, Easter and others. The Jews have Passover, Yom Kippur and Hanukkah, yet my client

and all other atheists have no such holidays."

The judge leaned forward in his chair saying, "But you do! Your client, counsel, is woefully ignorant!"

The lawyer said, "Your Honor, we are unaware of any special observance or holiday for atheists."

The judge said, "The calendar says April 1st is April Fools Day. Psalm 14:1 states: "The fool says in his heart, there is no

God." Thus, it is the opinion of this court, that, if your client says there is no God, then he is a fool. Therefore, April 1st is his day.

Court is adjourned!" Yeaaaaaaaaaa!!! You gotta love a Judge that knows his scriptures!