Jokes

[js of 9planetreviews]

What holds frogs together

Ribbets!!!!!

that's cool Ribbets!, nice. And funny. js.

[mary]

Please excuse the title of the post... I was talking & typing at the same time and was typing what I was thinking.... which was - I'm glad that these jokes are ALL clean.....LOL

Oh well... maybe our lovely mods. can re-name it for me.

oh i don't know CPenny, i think .. clean jokes... is a catchy title....

sure got my attention :D

[cbconti]

A little Christian humor

This is one of the best clean jokes I've seen in awhile!

Jesus and Satan were having an on-going argument about who was better

on the computer. They had been going at it for days, and frankly God was tired of hearing all the bickering.

Finally fed up, God said, 'THAT'S IT! I have had enough. I am going to

set up a test that will run for two hours, and from those results, I will

judge who does the better job.'

So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away.

They moused.

They faxed.

They e-mailed.

They e-mailed with attachments.

They downloaded.

They did spreadsheets!

They wrote reports.

They created labels and cards.

They created charts and graphs.

They did some genealogy reports

They did every job known to man.

Jesus worked with heavenly efficiency and Satan was faster than hell.

Then, ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed

across the sky, thunder rolled, rain poured, and, of course, the power

went off.

Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known

in the underworld.

Jesus just sighed.

Finally the electricity came back on, and each of them restarted their

computers. Satan started searching frantically, screaming:

'It's gone! It's all GONE! 'I lost everything when the power went

out!'

Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from

the past two hours of work.

Satan observed this and became irate.

'Wait!' he screamed. 'That's not fair! He cheated! How come he has all

his work and I don't have any?'

God just shrugged and said,

JESUS SAVES

[skylady]

Sorry, couldn't help myself, had to pass this one along!

Hearing their exchange, the pilot rolled his eyes and said to his copilot, 'Such big-shots back there. I could throw all three of them out of the window and make 156 million people very happy.'

I'm voting for the Pilot :jiggy:

YES ... Please Do...

On the same note Kay, close anyway...

This says it all for a lot of things.

The Post Turtle

While suturing a cut on the hand of a 75 year old Texas rancher, whose hand was caught in a gate while working cattle, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man. Eventually the topic got around to Obama and his bid to be our President.

The old rancher said, " Well, ya know, Obama is a 'post turtle' ".

Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a ' post turtle ' was.

The old rancher said, " When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a ' post turtle ' ".

The old rancher saw a puzzled look on the doctor's face, so he continued to explain. " You know he didn't get up there by himself, he doesn't belong up there, he doesn't know what to do while he is up there, and you just wonder what kind of a dumb a** put him up there to begin with ".

[KayWbGV]

Good one skylady.

Now, One for the girls...

Now I lay me down to sleep

I pray the Lord my shape to keep.

Please no wrinkles, Please no bags

And please lift my butt before it sags.

Please no age spots, Please no gray

And as for my belly, Please take it away.

Please keep me healthy, Please keep me young,

And thank you Dear Lord, For all that you've done.

Five tips for a woman.....

1. It is important that a man helps you around the house and has a job.

2. It is important that a man makes you laugh.

3. It is important to find a man you can count on and doesn't lie to You.

4. It is important that a man loves you and spoils you.

5. It is important that these four men don't know each other.

Foot Note:

One saggy boob said to the other saggy boob:

'If we don't get some support soon, people will think we're nuts.'

[js of 9planetreviews]

Now that's good.

A reminder for all of us!

Save your work!

I even bought a device to do that. But silly me, have not backed up in six months or more! Ugh. And what about my MacBook? Where oh where are the backups?

js

[KayWbGV]

Little Zachary was doing very badly in math.

His parents had tried everything... tutors, mentors, flash cards, Special learning centers.

In short, everything they could think of to help his math.

Finally, in a last ditch effort, they took Zachary down an d enrolled him in the local Catholic

school. After the first day, little Zachary came home with a very serious look on his face.

He didn't even kiss his mother Hello. Instead, he went straight to his room and started

studying. Books and papers were spread out all over the room and little Zachary was hard

at work.

His mother was amazed. She called him down to dinner. To her shock, the minute he was done,

he marched back to his room without a word, and i n no time, he was back Hitting the books

as hard as before. This went on for some time, day after day, while the mother tried to

understand what made all the difference.

Finally, little Zachary brought home his report card. He quietly laid it on the table, went up to

his room and hit the books. With great trepidation, his Mom looked at it and to her great surprise,

Little Zachary got an "A" in math. She could no longer hold her curiosity.

She went to his room and said, "Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?" Little Zachary looked at

her and shook his head no. "Well, then," she said, Was it the books, the discipline, the structure,

the uniforms? WHAT WAS IT ALREADY?"

Little Zachary looked at her and said, "Well, on the first day of school when I saw that guy

nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around about math!"

FORWARD THIS TO ANYBODY WHO NEEDS A GOOD LAUGH.

[Laurynas]

Very funny :D

[Michael]

Two toothless termites walk into a bar and ask a waitress "is the bar TENDER here?"

[SNOW]

[Michael]

A man with 2 black eyes and a five iron golf club wrapped around his neck walks into a hospital emergency ward. Naturally, the doctor who sees him asked what happened.

"Well," the injured man starts, "My wife and I were playing a round of golf at a course next to a farmers field. My wife sliced her golf shot way off into the farmer's field where there were some cows grazing. So my wife and I walked over into the field and started looking around for her golf ball. A few minutes later, I saw something small and white just at the back of one of the cows, so I went up behind the cow and sure enough, there was my wife's golf ball, stuck in the rear end of the cow's butt under its tail. That's when I made my mistake..."

The doctor asked "What happened?"

The man replied "I lifted up the cow's tail and yelled to my wife 'Hey honey! THIS LOOKS LIKE YOURS!" :kicking:

[skylady]

These are all GOOD JOKES !!!

...chuckled through most of them and laughed out loud at a couple...

Thanks for some laughter today :D

skylady ;)

[⭐ falco76]

Please put your blonde jokes in this thread :lol:

Ok, ill go first :D

the funniest blonde joke

I knew a blonde that was so stupid that.......

* she called me to get my phone number.

* she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box because it said "concentrate."

* she put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind.

*she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.

*she sent me a fax with a stamp on it.

*she tried to drown a fish.

*she thought a quarterback was a refund.

*she got locked in a grocery store and starved to death.

*she tripped over a cordless phone.

*she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.

*she asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.

*she studied for a blood test.

*she thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.

*when she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.

*when she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead.

*when she took you to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport Left" she turned around and went home

:dance9bh: :thumbup(1): :biglaugh:

[⭐ fishie]

:o

:biglaugh: :biglaugh: :biglaugh:

[⭐ Vladi]

That was a good one :thumbup(1):

Here is another blond joke

There was a blonde who found herself sitting next to a Lawyer on an airplane. The lawyer just kept bugging the blonde wanting her to play a game of intelligence. Finally, the lawyer offered her 10 to 1 odds, and said every time the blonde could not answer one of his questions, she owed him $5, but every time he could not answer hers, he'd give her $50.00. The lawyer figured he could not lose, and the blonde reluctantly accepted.

The lawyer first asked, "What is the distance between the Earth and the nearest star?"

Without saying a word the blonde handed him $5. then the blonde asked, "What goes up a hill with 3 legs and comes back down the hill with 4 legs?"

Well, the lawyer looked puzzled. He took several hours, looking up everything he could on his laptop and even placing numerous air-to-ground phone calls trying to find the answer. Finally, angry and frustrated, he gave up and paid the blonde $50.00

The blonde put the $50 into her purse without comment, but the lawyer insisted, "What is the answer to your question?"

Without saying a word, the blonde handed him $5.

[⭐ fishie]

That was awesome Vladi :thumbup(1): :lol:

[⭐ falco76]

:lol: hahahahaah sooooooooooooo funny,

I love blonde jokes hehe

:biglaugh: :thumbup(1):

[⭐ falco76]

O.k my turn :P

Blonde Cops

A blonde cop stops blonde motorist and asks for her driving license.

The Motorist scuffles around in her purse and can't find it. She says to the cop, "I must have left it at home officer."

The cop says, "Well, do you have any kind of identification?"

The motorist scuffles around in her purse again, and finds a pocket mirror.

She looks at it and says to the cop, "All I have is this picture of myself."

The cop says, "Let me see it, then."

So the blonde motorist gives the mirror to the blonde cop, who looks at it, and replies, "Well, if I had known you were a police officer, I wouldn't have even pulled you over. You can go now."

:biglaugh: :biglaugh: :biglaugh: :biglaugh: :biglaugh: :biglaugh:

[⭐ fishie]

NO WAY!!!!

LOL

LOL

LOL

LOL

2 funny

[Hula]

The blonde reported for her university final examination that consists of "yes/no" type questions. She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes her purse out, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet "Yes" for Heads and "No" for Tails.

Within half an hour she is all done, whereas the rest of the class is sweating it out. During the last few minutes, she is seen desperately throwing the coin, muttering and sweating.

The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is going on.

"I finished the exam in half an hour, but I'm rechecking my answers." :P

[⭐ Vladi]

The blonde reported for her university final examination that consists of "yes/no" type questions. She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes her purse out, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet "Yes" for Heads and "No" for Tails.

Within half an hour she is all done, whereas the rest of the class is sweating it out. During the last few minutes, she is seen desperately throwing the coin, muttering and sweating.

The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is going on.

"I finished the exam in half an hour, but I'm rechecking my answers."

:P

Here is another one

A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blonde neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it then slammed it shut and stormed back into the house. A little later she came out of her house again, went to the mailbox and again opened it, and slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.

As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, she came out again, marched to the mailbox, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.

Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, ?Is something wrong??

To which she replied, ?There certainly is!?

My stupid computer keeps saying, ?You?ve got mail!?

[Hula]

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at

him. She says hello. He's rather taken aback because he can't place

where he knows her from. So he says, "Do you know me?" To which she

replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful

to his wife and says, "My God, are you the

stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table

with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with

wet celery???"

She looks into his eyes and says calmly, "No, I'm your son's teacher."

[⭐ falco76]

:biglaugh: hahahahahahah :biglaugh:

So funny :lol:

[Hula]

The Divorce Letters:

Dear Wife:

I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you forever. I've been a good man to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it. These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today and that was the last straw.

Last week, you came home and didn't even notice that I had a new haircut, had cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don't tell me you love me anymore; you don't want sex or anything that connects us as husband and wife.

Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me anymore; whatever the case, I'm gone.

Your EX-Husband

P.S. Don't try to find me. Your SISTER and I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!

Dear Ex-Husband -

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good man is a far cry from what you've been.

I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining and griping. Too bad that doesn't work.

I did notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the first thing that came to mind was 'You look just like a girl!' Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can't say something nice, I didn't comment.

And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago.

About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on them, and I prayed that it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning.

After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So when I hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica . But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason, I guess.

I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won't get a dime from me. So take care.

Signed,

Your Ex-Wife, Rich As Hell and Free!

P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born Carl. I hope that's not a problem

[MFC]

This thread is soo fuunny!