Jokes

[austinrampt1]

Here is the jokes section of the forum. Know any good jokes or anecdotes? We'd love to hear 'em. Just a little something to lighten the mood.

[willbucks]

Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning. I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, "Happy Birthday!", and possibly have a small present for me.

As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone "Happy Birthday."

I thought... Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids...They will remember.

My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said, "Good Morning Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday ! " It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.

I worked until one o'clock, when Jane knocked on my door and said, "You know, It's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your Birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me." I said, "Thanks, Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!"

We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go. She chose instead at a quiet bistro with a private table. We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.

On the way back to the office, Jane said, "You know, It's such a beautiful day... We don't need to go straight back to the office, Do We?"

I responded, "I guess not. What do you have in mind?"

She said, "Let's drop by my apartment, it's just around the corner."

After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back."

"Ok." I nervously replied.

She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake ...

Followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing "Happy Birthday".

And I just sat there...

On the couch...

Naked.

[austinrampt1]

Man I got a belly laugh from that one!

[skylady]

Ahhhh 'willbucks'...

I got a chuckle too...

[Hula]

Too funny!

[austinrampt1]

A travel agent for thirty years in our nation's capital has this to report:

"This is why we're in trouble! I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman ask for an aisle seat so that her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window.

I got a call from a candidate's staffer, who wanted to go to Cape town. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information, then she interrupted me with, "I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Cape town is in Massachusetts. Without trying to make her look like the stupid one, I calmly explained, "Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Cape town is in Africa." Her response.( click).

A senior Vermont Congressman called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that is not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, "Don't lie to me. I looked on the map, and Florida is a very thin state!"

I got a call from a lawmaker's wife who asked, "Is it possible to see England from Canada?" I said, No." She said, "But they look so close on the map.

An aide for a Bush cabinet member once called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had only a 1-hour layover in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, "I heard Dallas was a big airport, and we will need a car to drive between the gates to save time."

An Illinois Congresswoman called last week. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:20 a. m. and got into Chicago at 8:33 a. m. I tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she could not understand the concept of time zones. Finally, I told her the plane went very fast, and she bought that!

A New York lawmaker called and asked, "Do airlines normally put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to whom?" I said, "No, why do you ask?" She replied, "Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said (FAT), and I'm overweight. I think that is very rude?" After putting her on hold for a minute while I "looked into it" (I was actually laughing), I came back and explained the city code for Fresno, CA is (FAT), and that the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.

A Senator's aide called to inquire about a trip package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?"

I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman who asked, "How do I know which plane to get on?" I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, "I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these darn planes have numbers on them."

A lady Senator called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola, FL. Do I have to get on one of those little computer planes?" I asked if she meant fly to Pensacola, FL on a commuter plane. She said, "Yeah, whatever!"

A senior Senator called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him that he needed a visa. "Oh, no I don't. I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those." I double checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, "Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express!"

A New Mexico Congresswoman called to make reservations, "I want to go from Chicago to Rhino, New York." The agent was at a loss for words. Finally, the agent said, "Are you sure that's the name of the town?" "Yes, what flights do you have?" replied the lady. After some searching, the agent came back with, "I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a Rhino anywhere." The lady retorted, "Oh, don't be silly! Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!" The agent scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, "You don't mean Buffalo, do you?" "That's it! I knew it was a big animal," she said.

Now you know why Government is in the shape that it's in!!!!!

[Missi~007]

Ok..... so its not a joke






But I couldnt help laughing

[Hula]

Love it! :thumbup(1):

How 'bout this new fuel-efficient Cowasaki?

[skylady]

Good chuckles and some belly laughs...

We are a funny bunch, yup we are !!! :wink4:

Thanks folks

[austinrampt1]

Here is a good one. Let me go ahead and apologize to blondie right away for the blonde joke....lol

A guy is having a drink

in a bar.

A lot of drinks.

A very dark bar.

He leans over to the big woman

next to him and says,

"Do you wanna hear a funny blonde joke?"

The big woman replies,

"Well, before you tell that joke, you should know something.

Sure, I'm blonde, and six feet tall, 210 lbs. and I'm a professional triathlete and bodybuilder.

The blonde woman sitting next to me is 6' 2" and 220 lbs;

she's an ex-pro wrestler.

Next to her is a blonde

who's 6' 5",weighs 250 lbs.,

and she's a kick boxer professional.

Now, do you still want to tell that blonde joke?"

The guy blinks, swallows, and thinks about it for a second

then says;

"No, not if I'm going to have to explain it three times."!

[skylady]

The guy blinks, swallows, and thinks about it for a second

then says;

"No, not if I'm going to have to explain it three times."!

Don't usually care for "B" jokes...But...

I have to say I did chuckle... Blondi probably did too !!!

skylady ;)

[KayWbGV]

DUCT TAPE USE #317

I have to tell you that I have never seen a better use for duct tape in my life.

Makes you want to require everyone to carry a roll for emergencies.

[austinrampt1]

hahaha nice kay. I'm glad that was covered up though.... :doh: :doh:

[KayWbGV]

Well, yeah. This is a family friendly place so we should all "say no to crack" LOL

This guy was watching TV as his wife was out cutting the grass during the hot summer.

He finally worked up the energy to go out and ask his wife what was for supper.

Well, his wife was quite irritated about him sitting in the air conditioned house all day while

she did all the work, so she scolded him. "I can't believe you're asking me about supper

right now! Imagine I'm out of town, go inside and figure dinner out yourself."

So, he went back in the house and fixed himself a big steak with potatoes, garlic bread

and a tall glass of iced tea.

His wife finally walked in about the time he was finishing up and asked him, "You fixed

something to eat? So, where's mine?"

"Huh? I thought you were out of town."

Not sure when his funeral is but I imagine it's soon LOL

[William]

DUCT TAPE USE #317

I have to tell you that I have never seen a better use for duct tape in my life.

Makes you want to require everyone to carry a roll for emergencies.

Hahaha, I must say, I am Glad Duck Tape Exists! If I had to see that...I'd report it as indecent Exposure!! :busted_cop:

:D

William

[William]

Well, yeah. This is a family friendly place so we should all "say no to crack" LOL

This guy was watching TV as his wife was out cutting the grass during the hot summer.

He finally worked up the energy to go out and ask his wife what was for supper.

Well, his wife was quite irritated about him sitting in the air conditioned house all day while

she did all the work, so she scolded him. "I can't believe you're asking me about supper

right now! Imagine I'm out of town, go inside and figure dinner out yourself."

So, he went back in the house and fixed himself a big steak with potatoes, garlic bread

and a tall glass of iced tea.

His wife finally walked in about the time he was finishing up and asked him, "You fixed

something to eat? So, where's mine?"

"Huh? I thought you were out of town."

Not sure when his funeral is but I imagine it's soon LOL

:lol: Sounds Like The Typical guy!

[KayWbGV]

"Doctor, I'd like you to evaluate my 13-year-old son."

"He's suffering from a transient psychosis with an intermittent rage disorder,

punctuated by episodic radical mood swings, but his prognosis is good for a

full recovery."

"How can you say all of that without even meeting him?"

"Didn't you say he was 13?"

[skylady]

That's just about right for the first teen year...

good one Kay...

skylady ;)

[KayWbGV]

Thanx Skylady :). Now, a little bit about living in 2008.

YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2008 when...

1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.

2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.

4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they

don't have e-mail addresses.

6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if

anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.

7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the

screen.

8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the

first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you

turn around to go and get it.

10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.

11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )

12. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.

13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this

message.

14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.

15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9

on this list.

AND NOW YOU ARE LAUGHING at yourself.

Go on, forward this to your friends. You know you want to.

The sad thing is, this isn't really a joke--it's all toooo true LOL

[js of 9planetreviews]

Hey Will? js here. Are you still married?

Haha! That was a good one!

js

[skylady]

Now, a little bit about living in 2008.

I laughed so hard at some of those...

Thanks Kay, you made my day :D

skylady

...and yes - got to buzzzzzing through, so fast, didn't see it either...

[mary]

Now, a little bit about living in 2008.

YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2008 when...

2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they

don't have e-mail addresses.

7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the

screen.

10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.

12. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.

14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.

AND NOW YOU ARE LAUGHING at yourself.

The sad thing is, this isn't really a joke--it's all toooo true LOL

thats me :o

[KayWbGV]

Sorry, couldn't help myself, had to pass this one along!

Presidential candidates Hillary Clinton, Barack Obama, and John Mc Cain were flying to a debate.

Barack looked at Hillary, Chuckled and said, 'You know I could throw a $1,000 bill out of the window right now and make somebody very happy.'

Hillary shrugged her shoulders and replied, 'I could throw ten $100 bills out of the window and make ten people very happy.'

John added, 'That being the case, I could throw one hundred $10 bills out of the window and make a hundred people very happy.'

Hearing their exchange, the pilot rolled his eyes and said to his copilot, 'Such big-shots back there. I could throw all three of them out of the window and make 156 million people very happy.'

I'm voting for the Pilot :jiggy:

[CPenny]

What holds frogs together???

Ribbets!!!!!

[CPenny]

Please excuse the title of the post... I was talking & typing at the same time and was typing what I was thinking.... which was - I'm glad that these jokes are ALL clean.....LOL

Oh well... maybe our lovely mods. can re-name it for me.