mr_b34n Posted July 13, 2009 Report Share Posted July 13, 2009 The market may be bad, but I slept like a baby last night. I woke up every hour and cried. What's the difference between buying a lottery ticket and buying a penny stock? In the first case, you help finance your local community swimming pool. In the second case, you help finance the stock promoters home pool. My broker and I are working on a retirement plan. Unfortunately, it's his! A long term investment is a short term investment that failed. A stockbroker is someone who invests your money till it's all gone! It was so cold today I saw a stockbroker with his hands in his own pockets. A market analyst is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn't happen today! I'm thinking of leaving my husband, complained the broker's wife. "All he ever does is stand at the end of the bed and tell me how good things are going to be." Momentum Investing: The fine art of buying high and selling low. Value Investing: The art of buying low and selling lower Q: Why did God create stock analysts ? A: In order to make weather forecasters look good. Shenong 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mr_b34n Posted July 13, 2009 Author Report Share Posted July 13, 2009 Re: Stock Market Jokes Trading online is just great. I find it really speeds things up. I now get my margin calls 5x faster than before The market is weird. Every time one guy sells, another one buys, and they both think they're smart. These two women were walking through the forest when they hear this voice from under a log. Investigating, the women discovered the voice was coming from a frog: "Help me, ladies! I am an investment banker who, through an evil witch's curse, has been transformed into a frog. If one of you will kiss me, I'll be returned to my former state!" The first woman took out her purse, grabbed the frog, and stuffed it inside her handbag. The second woman, aghast, screamed, "Didn't you hear him? If you kiss him, he'll turn into an investment banker?" The second woman replied, "Sure, but these days a talking frog is worth more than an investment banker!" Shenong 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
William1713006271 Posted July 13, 2009 Report Share Posted July 13, 2009 Re: Stock Market Jokes =)) huahahahahaha :lol: Quote Ore no Shinka Hikari yo Hayai. Zen Uchi o Nani no Mono Ore no Shinka Chuito Kore Nai. Ten no Michi yo Iki. Subete o Sukosadoru Otoko. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
xtclove Posted July 13, 2009 Report Share Posted July 13, 2009 Re: Stock Market Jokes i liked this one the most : What's the difference between buying a lottery ticket and buying a penny stock? In the first case, you help finance your local community swimming pool. In the second case, you help finance the stock promoters home pool. 8-) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
⭐ bullforever Posted July 13, 2009 Report Share Posted July 13, 2009 Re: Stock Market Jokes A TV channel crew interviewed a trader who is coming out of the stock exchange just when the markets were closed after having a huge crash. The interview went as follows: - TV crew: Are you a bull or a bear? Trader: None. I am an a**. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
⭐ bullforever Posted July 13, 2009 Report Share Posted July 13, 2009 Indo Investasi Joke Thread Hello friends, This thread is a general joke thread. Instead of creating a new thread for every joke, let us form a new thread for all kinds of jokes so that any one can easily go through it. Last but not least. This is a no holds barred kind of joke thread. I mean every type of joke is welcome in this thread. But please no personal attacks against any one. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
⭐ bullforever Posted July 13, 2009 Report Share Posted July 13, 2009 Re: Indo Investasi Joke Thread Since I am the initiator of this thread, I start with some funny one liners. Here they are ------------------------------------------------------------------------ I'm a nobody, nobody is perfect, and therefore I'm perfect. I've got to sit down and work out where I stand. If I save time, when do I get it back? Where there's a will, I want to be in it. I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally. Take my advice, I don't use it anyway. Sometimes I need what only you can provide: your absence. I wish there was a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence. There's a knob called brightness, but it doesn't work. A conscience does not prevent sin. It only prevents you from enjoying it. Doesn't expecting the unexpected make the unexpected become the expected? If your father is a poor man, it is your fate but, if your father-in-law is a poor man, it's your stupidity. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where train stops. On my desk, I have a work station... What more can I say If it's true that we are here to help others, then, what exactly are the others here for? Living on Earth may be expensive... but it includes an annual free trip around the Sun. Love is photogenic; it needs darkness to develop Scratch a dog and you'll find a permanent job. A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you are in deep water. How come we choose from just two people for President and 50 for Miss America? Money will buy a fine dog, but only kindness will make him wag his tail. Shenong 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
⭐ bullforever Posted July 13, 2009 Report Share Posted July 13, 2009 Re: Indo Investasi Joke Thread Newton in romantic mood...... Universal law: " Love can neither be created nor be destroyed; only it can transfer from One girlfriend to another girlfriend with some loss of money " first law: " a boy in love with a girl, continue to be in love with her and a girl in love with a boy, continue to be in love with him, until or unless any external agent(brother or father of the gal) comes into play and break the legs of the boy. " second law: " the rate of change of intensity of love of a girl towards a boy is directly proportional to the instantaneous bank balance of the boy and the direction of this love is same to as increment or decrement of the bank balance. " third law: " the force applied while proposing a girl by a boy is equal and opposite to the force applied by the girl while slapping.. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
⭐ bullforever Posted July 13, 2009 Report Share Posted July 13, 2009 Re: Indo Investasi Joke Thread HEIGHT OF TIMEPASS: A person sending email to himself HEIGHT OF BROWSING: U r swimming in the water tank and shout 'F1 F1 F1 ' instead of shouting 'HELP' when u are unable to swim... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
⭐ bullforever Posted July 13, 2009 Report Share Posted July 13, 2009 Re: Indo Investasi Joke Thread The 50-50-90 rule: Any time you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong. You can't have everything. Where would you put it? A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well. Shenong 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
⭐ bullforever Posted July 14, 2009 Report Share Posted July 14, 2009 Re: Indo Investasi Joke Thread When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
⭐ bullforever Posted July 14, 2009 Report Share Posted July 14, 2009 Re: Indo Investasi Joke Thread (from a trader): “This is worse than a divorce. I’ve lost half my net worth and I still have a wife.” Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
⭐ bullforever Posted July 14, 2009 Report Share Posted July 14, 2009 Re: Indo Investasi Joke Thread To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research It's not the fall that kills you; it's the sudden stop at the end. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you! My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with. Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea... does that mean that one enjoys it? Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
⭐ bullforever Posted July 14, 2009 Report Share Posted July 14, 2009 Re: Indo Investasi Joke Thread This is not exactly a joke. But the lesson contained in this story impressed me. That is why I decided to post it here. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ A professor began his class by holding up a glass with some water in it. He held it up for all to see; asked the students,' How much do you think this glass weighs?' '50gms!' .... '100gms!' ......'125gms' ......the students answered. 'I really don't know unless I weigh it,' said the professor,'but, my question is: What would happen if I held it up like this for a few minutes?' 'Nothing' the students said. 'Ok what would happen if I held it up like this for an hour? ' the professor asked. 'Your arm would begin to ache' said one of the students. 'You're right, now what would happen if I held it for a day?' 'Your arm could go numb, you might have severe muscle stress; paralysis; Have to go to hospital for sure!'ventured another student; all the students laughed. 'Very good. But during all this, did the weight of the glass change? ' asked The professor. 'No' the students said. Then what caused the arm ache & the muscle stress?' The students were puzzled. 'Put the glass down!' said one of the students. 'Exactly!' said the professor.' Life's problems are something like this. Hold it for a few minutes in your head; they seem OK. Think of them for a long time & they begin to ache. Hold it even longer & they begin to paralyze you. You will not be able to do anything. It's important to think of the challenges (problems) in your life, but EVEN MORE IMPORTANT to 'put them down' at the end of every day before you go to sleep. That way, you are not stressed, you wake up every day fresh & strong & can handle any issue, any challenge that comes your way!' Remember to 'PUT THE GLASS DOWN TODAY ! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
⭐ bullforever Posted July 15, 2009 Report Share Posted July 15, 2009 Re: Indo Investasi Joke Thread The best one (Incident described in "From the Pavilion End" by Harold "Dickie” Bird). "Bomber" Wells, a spin bowler and great character, played for Glocuestershire and Nottinghamshire. He used to bat at No.11 since one couldn’t bat any lower. Of him, they used to paraphrase Compton's famous words describing an equally inept runner; "When he shouts 'YES' for a run, it is merely the basis for further negotiations!" Incidentally, Compton was no better. John Warr said, of Compton "He was the only person who would call you for a run and wish you luck at the same time." Anyway, when Wells played for Gloucs, he had an equally horrendous runner as the No.10. During a county match, horror of horrors... both got injured. *Both* opted for runners when it was their turn to bat. Bomber played a ball on the off, called for a run, forgot he had a runner and ran himself. Ditto at the other end. In the melee, someone decided that a second run was on. Now we had all four running. Due to the confusion and constant shouts of "YES" "NO", eventually, all of them ran to the same end. Note - at this point in time, the entire ground is rolling on the floor laughing their behinds out. One of the fielders - brave lad - stops laughing for a minute, picks the ball and throws down the wicket at the other end. Umpire Alec Skelding looks very seriously at the four and calmly informs them "One of you buggers is out. I don't know which. You decide and inform the bloody scorers!". Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
⭐ bullforever Posted July 17, 2009 Report Share Posted July 17, 2009 Re: Indo Investasi Joke Thread An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him 'How do you expect to get into Heaven?' The boy thought it over and said, 'Well, I'll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!'' Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
⭐ bullforever Posted July 21, 2009 Report Share Posted July 21, 2009 Re: Indo Investasi Joke Thread A gang of robbers broke into a lawyer's club by mistake. The old legal lions gave them a fight for their life and their money. The gang was very happy to escape. "It ain't so bad," one crook noted. "We got $25 between us." The boss screamed: "I warned you to stay clear of lawyers--we had $100 when we broke in!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
⭐ bullforever Posted July 21, 2009 Report Share Posted July 21, 2009 Re: Indo Investasi Joke Thread A truck driver had the habit of running over lawyers whenever he sees one by the roadside. One day on his way back, a priest asked for a lift and he too stopped the truck and took him in. While they were on their way he saw a lawyer. Due to his usual habit, he went near the lawyer to run him over. Suddenly he realized that the priest was also sitting alongside with him so he steered right and missed him by a whisker.. But he heard a sound but couldn't make out anything. Priest said, "Don't worry son. I got him with the door" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
William1713006271 Posted July 24, 2009 Report Share Posted July 24, 2009 Re: Indo Investasi Joke Thread "Don't worry son. I got him with the door" Huahahahaha :D :lol: :mrgreen: Quote Ore no Shinka Hikari yo Hayai. Zen Uchi o Nani no Mono Ore no Shinka Chuito Kore Nai. Ten no Michi yo Iki. Subete o Sukosadoru Otoko. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gillybet Posted July 26, 2009 Report Share Posted July 26, 2009 Re: Indo Investasi Joke Thread The Porsche of the stockbroker :)) A successful stockbroker parked his brand-new Porsche in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck passed too close and tore off the door on the driver's side. :(( The stockbroker immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed 911, and within minutes a policeman pulled up. Before the officer had a chance to ask any questions, the stockbroker started screaming hysterically. :(( His Porsche, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined. When the stockbroker finally wound down from his ranting and raving, the officer shook his head in disgust and disbelief. "I can not believe how materialistic you stock brokers are," the cop said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else." "How can you say such a thing?" ( asked the stockbroker. The cop replied, "Don't you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you." "My God!" screamed the stockbroker. "My Rolex!" =)) :D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
⭐ bullforever Posted July 27, 2009 Report Share Posted July 27, 2009 Re: Indo Investasi Joke Thread A woman went to her priest with a problem. "Father, I have two female parrots, and they only know how to say one thing. All they ever say is, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Wanna have some fun?'" "That's terrible!" exclaimed the priest. "But I think I can help. Bring your two female parrots over to my house, and I will put them with my two male parrots whom I taught to pray and read the Bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase, and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship." The next day, the woman brought her female parrots to the priest's house. His two male parrots were holding rosary beads and quietly praying in their cage. The woman put her two female parrots in the cage with the male parrots. The females said, "Hi, we're prostitutes. Wanna have some fun?" One male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed "Put those beads away, our prayers have been answered!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gillybet Posted July 27, 2009 Report Share Posted July 27, 2009 Re: Indo Investasi Joke Thread [center:2ddfjn8q]"If stock market experts were so expert, they would be buying stock, not selling advice."[/center:2ddfjn8q] [center:2ddfjn8q]Norman R. Augustine :?:[/center:2ddfjn8q] Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MartyGale Posted July 27, 2009 Report Share Posted July 27, 2009 Re: Indo Investasi Joke Thread Two traders are in a bank, when, suddenly, armed robbers burst in, waving guns and yelling for everyone to freeze. While several of the robbers take the money from the tellers, others line the customers, including the two traders, up against a wall, and proceed to take their wallets, watches, and other valuables. While this is going on, one of the traders jams something into the other trader's hand. Without looking down, the second trader whispers: "What is this?" The first trader: "It's the $100 I owe you!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
⭐ bullforever Posted July 29, 2009 Report Share Posted July 29, 2009 Re: Indo Investasi Joke Thread For those who have a difficult time understanding how we can go from crisis to recovery in a few short months, here it is in simple terms: It is the month of August, on the shores of the Black Sea. It is raining, and the little town looks totally deserted. It is tough times, everybody is in debt, and everybody lives on credit. Suddenly, a rich tourist comes to town. He enters the only hotel, lays a 100 Euro note on the reception counter, and goes to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to pick one. The hotel proprietor takes the 100 Euro note and runs to pay his debt to the butcher. The butcher takes the 100 Euro note, and runs to pay his debt to the pig grower. The pig grower takes the 100 Euro note, and runs to pay his debt to the supplier of his feed and fuel. The supplier of feed and fuel takes the 100 Euro note and runs to pay his debt to the town's ********** that in these hard times, gave her "services" on credit. The hooker runs to the hotel, and pays off her debt with the 100 Euro note to the hotel proprietor to pay for the rooms that she rented when she brought her clients there. The hotel proprietor then lays the 100 Euro note back on the counter so that the rich tourist will not suspect anything. At that moment, the rich tourist comes down after inspecting the rooms, and takes his 100 Euro note, after saying that he did not like any of the rooms, and leaves town. No one earned anything. However, the whole town is now without debt, and looks to the future with a lot of optimism. And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how the United States Government is doing business Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
⭐ bullforever Posted July 31, 2009 Report Share Posted July 31, 2009 Re: Indo Investasi Joke Thread Some more interesting quotes ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public. Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason. Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research. A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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