Jokes

[skylady]

Hey Hula, both of those were Big Belly Laughs...

Now I'm more awake !!! Thanks Dear :lol:

;)

[Farmazon]

I've laughed a lot :lol: :lol: thank you! :D

[HellBoy]

XD so funny

[SkiciBP]

Question:....How many jokes are there about blond woman ?

Answer:..... Noones...That are all truths. -_-

:lol:

[ofirenglin]

LOL nice one reall good :D

[$s-p-i$]

Nice!

[$s-p-i$]

hahaha funny

[Shao]

hahahaha I Must say that your Joke was Awesome !

[bimber]

lol i like blonde jokes

[Guest Ukus]

This fat guy sees an ad for a new gym guaranteeing to reduce anyone's weight by 5, 10 or 20 kilograms on the first day. So he goes and tells them he wants to lose 5 kg. They strip him and lead him into a huge gym with all kinds of ropes and parallel bars and ladders and tell him to wait a minute. He's standing there when on the far side of the gym a door opens and out steps a gorgeous blonde, stark naked, with a sign saying

"If you catch me, I'm yours."

He starts running, and just as he gets close, she starts picking up speed. Before he knows it, he's running all over the gym, up the ladders, down the ladders, across the parallel bars, here and there. And just as he's about to catch the blonde, pop, she disappears through a door. In comes the management who lead him to the showers, and then weigh him. Sure enough, he lost exactly 5 kg.

He's back on the street and starts to think.

"Jesus, I was so close to catching her. If I had a little more time..."

So he races back to the gym and says, "I want to lose 20 more kg."

"No problem," says the manager.

Again he strips, and is led to the large gym. This time he's standing by the door when it opens. Out comes a gorilla with a sign

"If I catch you, you're mine."

[Hula]

The love story of Ralph and Edna !

Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have. Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day, while they were walking past the hospital's swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the Mental Hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness. The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt around his neck right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead."

Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. Now, how soon can I go home ?"

[⭐ Yippee]

Morris ran into Jacob while shopping at the mall the other day in front of one of the jewelry stores. Noticing a conspicuously small gift wrapped box in his hand, Morris asked if was a gift for Jacob's wife Becky.

Jacob told Morris, "With Christmas coming up, I asked Becky what she wanted and she said, "Oh, I don't know just give me something with lots of diamonds in it."

"So what did you get her?" Morris asked.

Jacob smiled and replied, "I bought her a deck of cards."

PS:============================

How does Santa Claus take pictures? With his North Pole-aroid.

:P

[Hula]

:lol:

[⭐ Yippee]

Joke 1

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, “I’ll give you $800 to drop that towel.†After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, “Who was that?†“It was Bob the next door neighbor,†she replies. “Great,†the husband says, “did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?â€

Joke 2

First thing one Monday morning, a robber broke into the bank, and pointed his guns at the cashier said,

‘Give me all your money, or you’ll be GEOGRAPHY!’

The cashier laughed and said, ‘You mean to say ‘HISTORY.’

The robber answered, ‘Don’t change the subject.’

Joke 3

Louise went into her bank to cash a cheque. She looked so hesitant that the cashier went to help her.

‘Please sign the back of the cheque, ‘the teller told her, ‘as you’d sign a letter.

Louise looked extremely grateful, scribbled on the cheque and passed it back to the cashier.

Signed on the back was: ‘Yours affectionately, Louise.’

Joke 4

After the Americans went to the Moon, Paddy and Seamus announced that the Kerry Men would go one better and send a man to the Sun.

Murphy objected. ‘If you send a man to the Sun, he will burn up!’

‘What do you think we are, stupid?†Seamus replied. ‘We’ll send our man at night!’

Joke 5

A pregnant Irish woman from Dublin gets in a car accident and falls into a deep coma. Asleep for nearly 6 months, when she wakes up she sees that she is no longer pregnant and frantically asks the doctor about her baby.

The doctor replies, ‘Ma’ am you had twins! a boy and a girl. Your brother from Cork came in and named them.’

The woman thinks to herself, ‘Oh No, not my brother… he’s an idiot!’ She asks the doctor, ‘Well, what’s the girl’s name?’ Denise.’

‘Wow, that’s not a bad name, I like it! What’s the boy’s name?’

‘Denephew.’

[Marco B]

man that first joke....rullez

[⭐ Yippee]

Since so many of us are making new years resolutions, and a popular one is about exercising or losing weight, I thought this was appropriate to start the new year:

THOUGHTS ON EXERCISE

~ I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently, you have to show up.

~ If God meant us to touch our toes, he would have put them further up our body.

~ I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

~ If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.

~ The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

~ I don't jog. It makes the ice jump right out of my glass.

~ I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

~ I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.

:lol:

[mary]

oh yippee... that was good :lol:

[⭐ Yippee]

POLICE COMMENTS

These 16 comments by police officers were taken off actual police car videos around the country. Thank goodness, in spite of the perils of the job, they still have a since of humor...

16. "You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through."

15. "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while."

14. "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."

13. "If you run, you'll only to to jail tired."

12. "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you."

11. "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"

10. "Yes sir, you can talk to the Shift Supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the Shift Supervisor?"

9. "Warning! You want a warning? Okay, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

8. "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are a drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

7. "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey doodoo.'

6. "Yea, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

5. "In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC.'

4. "How big were those 'two beers' you said you had?"

3. "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We use to, but we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."

2. "I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours, so you know someone who can post your bail."

1. "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here."

[mary]

hmmm...

some good cops... some bad cops :P

[⭐ Yippee]

A SNOW Funny!

It was snowing heavily and blowing to the point that visibility was almost zero when John (not the sharpest pencil in the batch) got off work.

He made his way to his car and wondered how he was going to make it home. He sat in his car while it warmed up and thought about his situation.

He finally remembered his dad's advice that if he got caught in a blizzard he should wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it. That way he would not get stuck in a snow drift.

This made him feel much better and sure enough in a little while a snow plow went by and he started to follow it.

As he followed the snow plow, he was feeling very smug as they continued and he was not having any problem with the blizzard conditions.

After an hour had passed, he was somewhat surprised when the snow plow stopped and the driver got out and came back to his car and signaled for him to roll down his window.

The snow plow driver wanted to know if he was all right as he had been following him for a long time.

John said that he was fine and told him of his dad's advice to follow a snow plow when caught in a blizzard.

The driver replied that it was okay with him and he could continue if he wanted, but he was done with the Wal-Mart parking lot and was going over to Sears next.

[momofthreekids]

Thanks for the laugh.... :Hehe:

[richson]

Bedside Manners

Susie's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months. Things looked grim, but she was by his bedside every single day. One day as he slipped back into consciousness, he motioned for her to come close to him. She pulled the chair close to the bed and leaned her ear close to be able to hear him.

"You know" he whispered, his eyes filling with tears, "you have been with me through all the bad times. When I got fired, you stuck right beside me. When my business went under, there you were. When we lost the house, you were there. When I got shot, you stuck with me. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. "And you know what?"

"What, dear?" she asked gently, smiling to herself.

"I think you're bad luck." :rofl2:

[richson]

A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa. He took his faithful pet dachshund along for company. One day, the dachshund starts chasing butterflies and before long the dachshund discovers that he is lost.

So, wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having him for lunch. The dachshund thinks, "OK, I'm in deep trouble now!" Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by, and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dachshund exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here." Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid-stride, as a look of terror comes over him, and slinks away into the trees. "Whew," says the leopard. "That was close. That dachshund nearly had me." Meanwhile, a monkey, who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes.

But the dachshund saw him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figured that something must be up.

The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine." Now the dachshund sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks, "What am I going to do now?" But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet ... and, just when they get close enough to hear, the dachshund says..................

"Where's that darn monkey? Sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard." :rofl2:

[richson]

I just happened by accident to find this lady... Thought I would share!

This is hilarious! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7W6-3qqVN_0&NR=1

Enjoy!!! :rofl2: :rofl:

[richson]

Hallelujah and Amen

A man bought a donkey from a preacher. The preacher told the man that this donkey had been trained in a very unique way, (being the donkey of a preacher). The only way to make the donkey go, is to say,Hallelujah

"Hallelujah!"Amen Donkey

And the only way to make the donkey stop, is to say, "Amen!"

The man was pleased with his purchase and immediately got on the animal to try out the preacher's instructions.

"Hallelujah!" shouted the man. The donkey began to trot. "Amen!" shouted the man. The donkey stopped immediately.

"This is great!" said the man. With a "Hallelujah", he rode off very proud of his new purchase.

The man traveled for a long time through some mountains. Soon he was heading towards a cliff. He could not remember the word to make the donkey stop.

"Stop," said the man. "Halt!" he cried. The donkey just kept going.

"Oh, no...

'Bible...Church!...Please Stop!!," shouted the man. The donkey just began to trot faster. He was getting closer and closer to the cliff edge.

Finally, in desperation, the man said a prayer...

"Please, dear Lord. Please make this donkey stop before I go Amen Donkeyoff the end of this mountain, In Jesus name, AMEN."

The donkey came to an abrupt stop just one step from the edge of the cliff.

"HALLELUJAH!", shouted the man. :rofl: