ToPN1K

Two unemployed guys are talking. One says, "I'm going to become a lion tamer." The other replies, "That's crazy, you don't know nothing about no lion taming."

"Yes I do!"

"Well, OK, answer me this. When one of those lions comes at you all roaring and biting, what you gonna do?"

"I'll take that big chair they all carry, and I'll stick it in his face until he backs down."

"Well, what if the lion takes that big paw, and hooks the chair with them big claws, and throws that chair out of the cage? What do you do then?"

"I'll take that whip they all carry, and I'll whip him and whip him until he backs down."

"Well, what if that lion bites that whip with his big teeth, and bites it in two? What you gonna do then?"

"I'll take that gun they all carry, and shoot him."

"Well, what if that gun doesn't work? What will you do then?"

"I'll pick up some of the sh*t that's on the bottom of the cage, and I throw it in his eyes, and I run out of the cage."

"Well, what if there ain't no sh*t in the bottom of the cage? What you gonna do then?"

"You ain't thinkin' none to clear - cause if that lion comes at me, and he throws the chair out of the cage, and he bites the whip in two, and my gun don't work, there's going to be some sh*t on the bottom of that cage. You can bet on that!"

Dear Husband:

I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good. I've been a good woman to you for seven years and Have nothing to show for it. These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw. Last week, you came home and didn't notice that I had gotten my hair and nails done, cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new negligee. You came home and ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching the game. You don't tell me you love me anymore, you don't touch me or anything. Either you're cheating or you don't love me anymore, whatever the case is, I'm gone.

P.S. If you're trying to find me, don't. Your BROTHER and I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!

Your EX-Wife

Dear Ex-Wife:

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good woman is a far cry from what you've been. I watch sports so much to try to drown out your constant nagging. Too bad that doesn't work. I did notice when you cut off all of your hair last week, the first thing that came to mind was "You look just like a man!" My mother raised me to not say anything if you can't say anything nice. When you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY BROTHER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago. I went to sleep on you when you had on that new negligee because the price tag was still on it. I prayed that it was a coincidence that my brother had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning and your negligee was $49.99. After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So when I discovered that I had hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason I guess. I hope you have the filling life you always wanted. My lawyer said with your letter that you wrote, you won't get a dime from me. So take care.

P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this but Carl, my brother was born CARLA. I hope that's not a problem.

Signed Rich As Hell and Free!

He Said, She Said

He said.....I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.

She said....You wear pants don't you?

He said.....Shall we try swapping positions tonight?

She said....That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart!

He said.....What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?

She said....Turn sideways and look in the mirror!

He said.....Why don't women blink during foreplay?

She said....They don't have time

He said.....How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?

She said....We don't know; it has never happened.

He said.....Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and Good- looking?

She said....They already have boyfriends.

He said.....Why are married women heavier than single women?

She said....Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed.

Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

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