Those penguins belong in a zoo! (Plus a few more)

A cop pulls over a speeding driver and as he walks up to the car he is shocked to see 12 penguins on the back seat.

"What are you doing with all those penguins!? You can't drive around with them in your car. You need to take them straight to the zoo."

He writes the guy a speeding ticket and the guy drives off toward the zoo.

Next day, the same car flies by. The cop pulls the guy over and the penguins are still on the back seat.

"I told you to take those penguins to the zoo!"

Guy replies, "I did. They loved it! So today we're going to the movies."

Son, it's time I confess something. You were adopted.

What! Are you kidding?

Yup it's true. Get ready. They'll be picking you up in about an hour.

Dave was staring sadly into his beer and sighed heavily.

“What’s up, Dave?” asked the barman, "It’s not like you to be so sad.”

“It’s my 7-year old son…” Dave replied. "The little bugger got our gorgeous 18-year old neighbour pregnant.”

“Get away - that’s impossible!” gasped the barman.

“It’s not,” said Dave. "The little bugger stuck pin holes in all my condoms.”

I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high.

She looked surprised.

After surgery the patient woke up very upset.

Doctor, I can't feel my legs!

Yes, I'm really sorry. We had to amputate your arms

Apparently, someone in New York gets stabbed every 53 seconds.

Poor bastard.

A Chinese worker had a headache so he rang his boss to tell him he's not coming in.

His boss tells him about a solution where he makes love to his wife and his headache goes away.

The Chinese guy says, "ok, I'll give it a go."

Sure enough, two hours later the Chinese guy comes into work.

"You right boss, that works really well. Oh... and you got great house!"

Jake was dying. His wife sat at his bedside.

He looked up and said weakly, 'I have something I must confess.'

'There's no need to,' his wife replied.

'No,' he insisted, 'I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!'

'I know,' she replied. 'Now just rest and let the poison work.'

An elderly lady called her husband during his drive home, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 90. Please be careful!"

Herman said, "It's not just one car. There’s hundreds of them!"

Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.

Then they call me ugly and poor.

Hey, I just made up a new word.

Plagiarism.

Speaking of plagiarism, here's the final joke.

v

Edit: Sorry, seems the ctrl keys on my keyboard have stopped working